I shouldn't feel this way
by levios
Summary: "Sora's eyes were filled with tears. She didn't have to say anything. I felt terrible. It had all seemed so easy a month ago. Fall in love with a girl, start dating her, love her, live happily together. Of course, I was prepared there would be problems, difficulties, but none like these." Yamachi, onesided Sorato. Angsty and hopefully sweet. One-shot


Hi everyone! Back with another Taito! :) Hope it's not too many spelling errors or grammatical wrongs.. English isn't my first language but I'd gladly receive critics to improve! And of course I'd like to know what you thought about the story ^^

 **I don't** (sadly) **own digimon.**

Enjoy! (and don't forget to tell me what you think :) )

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It didn't matter what they said. It didn't matter what I said. Love could not be forced. And I should have known.

...

Sora's eyes were filled with tears. She didn't have to say anything. I felt terrible. It had all seemed so easy a month ago. Fall in love with a girl, start dating her, love her, live happily together. Of course, I was prepared there would be problems, difficulties, but none like these.

I really thought I was in love. She made me feel good. She was sweet, caring, fun, everything.. But the tension, the feeling. It just wasn't there. Not from me.

During the past month we had been dating I had really given it my all. I had taken her out on dates and tried to be as much a gentleman I could be. I had given her presents, cooked for her, getting her a VIP seat to my latest concert. But no matter what I did it wasn't enough. I know. To be able to keep a girlfriend, in the end of the day, you have to love her. You have to show her your love. And the truth was, is, that I don't have any.

The truth is, she was only a substitute to help me get over my love for somebody else. Someone I loved, love, and obviously will always love.

The problem is that that person isn't who it should be. I shouldn't love someone stubborn, dumb, thouthless, crazy.. I should love someone like Sora. She was perfect for me, she is perfect for me. If I had been at all interested in girls.

"Why? Why can't you love me? What did I do wrong?" She cries. Her shoulders are shaking and I can tell I've really messed up this time. I never meant to hurt her. I never meant to use her.

"You did nothing wrong. You were an amazing girlfriend, you are an amazing girlfriend, for anyone who love you." I tell her. She presses her lips to mine again. How I wish I could feel what I'm ought to feel. How I wish I could just kiss her back and melt into the kiss. How I wish I could be like any other guy, feeling attraction for his girlfriend.

"I'm sorry" I say for the hundred time and pushes her gently away.

"Are you in love with someone else?" She asks. Her gaze is on the ground.

"Yeah Sora, I didn't know before. But know I know for sure. I love someone else and I'm truly sorry."

Even though I had no romantic feelings for Sora I still felt sad and empty inside breaking up with her. Being a relationship, even thought it was with a girl, made me feel less lonely.

"It's Tai isn't it? You know he's not even gay!"

Tai. Taichi Kamiya. The stupidest guy on earth. The school's soccer team leader. The leader of us digidestined years ago. Yeah, I was in love. And I was in love madly as well.

"I know. But it won't stop how I feel about him."

My eyes met Sora's. I had never told her I was gay (obviously) but I suppose she knows me better than I realize sometimes.

"I thought.. If I was only good enough, kind enough, cute enough.. You could stop feeling like that and start loving me.."

"I thought so too Sora. And you are all those things. I just can't stop being gay. Even thought I want to. Even thought I know it would make things lot's easier for me, for you, for everyone. But it's really nothing I can control."

I felt my voice trembling. I had really wished it to end another way. Maybe with me realizing I wasn't gay after all, that it was all a "phase" as my parents told me when I told them. That someday it would all fade away.

But it wouldn't. It would never fade. I could never feel completely happy with a girl. As a friend of course, but never as anything more that that.

But Tai.. When I was with Tai I felt like I was in seven heaven. All my other problems just seemed to vanish. All I could think about was how I could be as close to him as possible without him noticing I loved him. He was strong, handsome, kind, reliable.. He was the perfect man without even realizing.

"I hope you will be happy, Yamato. I really do. I'm just sad it couldn't be with me." Sora smiled sadly between her tears and did something completely unexpected. She hugged me. Not like when we were dating, or like when you hug a friend. It was like a mother and I could really feel that she was honest. Oh god, I had really messed up this time.

...

Breaking up with Sora was probably the hardest thing I had ever done. Maybe even harder than coming out to my parents, which maybe doesn't even counts as "coming out" since they didn't believe me. The only who knew was T.K. He had been home when I had called my mother. He had asked me time after time why I dated Sora. I had told him being gay was a joke, that it was just as my mother and father both had said "a phase". I know he didn't believe me, he was lot smarter than that, but he didn't bug me about it which I was very thankful for.

"It's nothing wrong with being gay Matt." He said.

When he heard about our breakup, T.K had rushed over to see me. I hadn't told him the reason for the break up but I suppose I didn't have to.

"It's easy for you to say, the Kamiya you're in love with is of the correct sex."

"Matt, there is no thing as the "correct love", love is love you know? An besides, the only thing that matters is how Tai feels. Who cares about mum, or dad or anyone for that matter. Let them be stupid, they'll eventually get over it. And if they don't, who cares? You're old enough to rent your own place and then you wont have to meet them if you don't want to."

Likewise, I had never told T.K for my hidden feelings for his girlfriend's brother. He was so much smarter than me, maybe if I had his brain I could have gotten out of this mess before hurting anyone.

"Tai is straight. And I'm not gonna bug him with my feelings, I don't wanna ruin our friendship."

"If he is your friend it wont ruin your friendship even though he doesn't feel the same way. And what says he is straight? He could be bi for all you know, or even gay. He wouldn't be the first to date a girl he wasn't attracted to.."

...

I was a coward, I am a coward. To meet my parents expectations I had dated a girl, hurt her and hid my feelings for the one I truly loved. I closed my eyes and let the wind catch my hair. A week had passed since my and Sora's break up. Being around her and the other digidestined at school had been easier than I thought it would be. She had apparently not told anyone about the reason behind our break up which made me realize even harder what a wonderful girl I had lost.

The only one I hadn't spoken to after the break up was Tai. I don't know if he avoids me. He hasn't showed up at lunch break and every free second he spends at the soccer field, even more than usual. It's an unusual behavior for Tai. Usually Tai is everywhere I go. He always stop by after soccer practice, always calls if he can't make it, I don't think there has ever before been a whole day without us being in touch.

Speaking of the devil. I open my eyes slightly when he sit down beside me on the grass. He doesn't say anything which is weird but I chose to ignore him, if he wants to talk, he will talk. Sooner or later that is.

"I heard about your break up. I'm sorry man." I knew he couldn't keep quiet for too long, he's not me.

I on the other hand keep quiet, I really don't know what to say. It doesn't seem like he expect me to answer either as he sighs deeply.

"What happened? I thought you were in love?" He looks at me in concern.

I still don't move. Maybe I should sit up, show that I listen to him. Do something. But no I am still the coward and can do nothing but close my eyes again and answer indifferently:

"No, we weren't in love. We thought we'd be better of as friends that's all."

"That's not all!" Tai almost screamed at me making my eyes shoot open.

"Ever since you started dating Sora you've been different. More distant. Before we could.. I dunno, hang out.. Talk.. Anything. When you started going out with her you stopped calling, you stopped coming to my soccer practices and didn't invite me to your concerts. I understand you have less time when your having a girlfriend but when you two broke up last week who were the last one to know? Me, your best friend. You would think you would tell me and stuff could go back to normal. But no, instead you chose to.. Be all this distant and stuff.."

Slowly I sit up and rub my hands nervously. I don't want to show weakness, still he needs to know the truth. Maybe if I don't tell him I'll lose him nevertheless. Maybe it feels better to lose if you at least have tried?

"I'm sorry." I keep saying sorry, it's constantly coming out from my mouth. I told my mum I was sorry I could not be the son she wanted the other day when she'd heard about my break up with Sora, I told my dad I was sorry when I told him being gay was a part of me, not a phase, and now I'm telling Tai I'm sorry for avoiding him.

"I don't want an apology, I want to know what happened."

My icy blue eyes met his chocolate brown ones. This is it. The time when he either turns me down and break my heart forever or.. or.. or tell me it's fine and we can still be friends.

"The only reason I asked Sora out was because I was afraid. Afraid of myself. What I was feeling and what I was. I'm really sorry for breaking what we had. I truly am. I hope nothing more than for us to go back to the way things were. Because.. Because I truly like to be with you, and I don't want us to be apart like this.. Because.."

My voice breaks. I'm not a good talker, and I've never been. I'm a thinker, possibly a listener. But that's not the problem. The tears that threatens to flow out of my ears are. And my trembling hands. And voice. And total body.

"Because I love you."

My voice breaks, even though I've talked so quiet he should barely have been able to hear me. I turn my face away from him and something burst in me. The fear, the angst, the sadness from so long takes a hold of me and I start to cry.

It's not often that I cry, I barely cry at all. But when I do cry, it's always loud and ugly. Not the sweet tears you see on TV when someone cries. I bury my face in my knees and shake uncontrollably.

Tai is the best friend you could ask for. He really is. Instead of backing away disgusted like most straight guys would he holds me and let me cry at his shoulder. He smells so good and the smell somehow calms me.

...

I don't know how long he holds me under the cherry blossom tree that day. When my sobs has died out he takes a strong hold of my body and helps me up.

"Wanna go to my place? My parents are away for the weekend and Kari's highly likely staying with your brother."

I nod and let him take me home. I'm still a bit shaky after breaking down like that and he doesn't let go of me when walking home.

"Here. My mother says tea has a calming effect."

I take the tea cup and sit down in the sofa. He smiles softly at me and sit in the arm chair next to me.

"Matt?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah."

He looks at me before talking. Maybe he's scared that I'll start crying again. But after all I cried before I doubt I have more to come out.

"Are you.. you know.. I mean.. When you said you loved me, you meant more than friends, right?.."

I look down at me tea and nod.

"Are you gay?"

I nod again not taking my gaze from the tea.

"Why didn't you told me, Matt? And how come you didn't told me you.. you have feelings for me?"

"I was afraid you'd hate me."

At this Tai made such a heavy in breath I had to look up.

"That's stupid! How could I ever hate you?! I love.. "

He stopped abrupt and looked at me nervously. Without continuing his sentence he moved closer to me. He took his hand to my face and stroke my cheek very gently.

"How could I ever do something like that Matt? Don't you know I'm in love with you?"

And with that he kissed me. It was soft and gentle. He barely touched my lips but it still sent chillers down my spine, something that had never happened with Sora. He pulled away slowly and looked at me questionably.

"Your in love with me?" I managed to get out before he kissed me again. Still gentle but a bit stronger this time. I could feel his lips on mine and his tongue licked my lower lip carefully. I moaned. This was nothing of what I had imagined. I thought it would be magic kissing Tai, it was heaven! Better than it even. I slowly melted in the kiss and before I knew it I was laying over him on the sofa kissing him passionately.

All these years of wondering, worrying, thinking.. I finally have my answer. I love Taichi Kamiya, and yeah he is a guy and so am I. But it doesn't matter. All that matters is that I love him and from the feel of his kiss, his sweet moans, his wandering hands.. He loves me back. I know he does. Maybe I've just been stupid enough to realize it. Focusing on the wrong things. But I'm over that now. I am who I am and nothing, nothing will ever change that. I will never date someone I don't love again. Not when I could experience something like this. Experience true love from the most amazing man on earth.


End file.
